Later that evening, with the clinking of dishes and the comforting hum of my mother tidying up the kitchen as a backdrop, I slipped away back into the parlor. I sat down in the well-worn wooden chair, legs crossed, and turned the computer back on. The buzz of dial up filled the air and soon I found myself completely absorbed in the vibrant world of my chat room universe.
I logged into the chatroom, ready to rush into the sea of texts that washed over my screen. Each conversation was reminiscent of an episode of digital Jerry Springer, an addictive guilty pleasure that I couldn’t break away from. I found myself ensnared, absorbing the digital circus that danced across my screen, anticipating the imminent influx of private messages that would soon (or so I hoped) grace my presence.
One after the other messages began to infest my screen so quickly that I was left with an array of fragmented discussions - each ending quickly at the sight of my age. Although the intent was to refuel my ego, I was left with a semblance of engagement that barely scratched the surface of true connection. But, one chat emerged that seized my attention with an almost magnetic pull.
Bizzerkk86: Hey, you’re back!
Toosie8504: Hey. Yeah, I had to eat dinner.
Bizzerkk86: Oh yeah, I forget about the time difference sometimes.
Tootsie8504: What time is it in California?
Bizzerkk86: 4:00pm. What’s your name?
Tootsie8504: Leslie, what’s urs?
Bizzerkk86: Leo
For the next hour, I found myself engrossed in Leo’s presence. Our words flowed effortlessly, dialogue cascading without thought. One message after the other filled our private chat, not a moment of digital silence between the two of us. As the minutes waltzed by, an indelible smile etched its presence onto my face and my freckled skin felt flushed. Perhaps this was the attention that I so desperately wished I had with the boys from my own school.
He possessed an enigmatic charm that left me captivated. His digital charisma tugged at my tender young heartstrings. Our conversations flowed beautifully and before I knew it an undeniable connection had blossomed between us. What was it, I wondered, that kept me so fascinated? His words were like a silky cascade of sweet molasses, washing over me, bringing me comfort and drawing me in like a parched bumble bee to nectar. Maybe it was the allure of the unknown, a digital traveler who graced my life with fleeting glimpses of far-off lands, adventures beyond my comprehension.
“Les, it’s time to get ready for bed.” my mother broke my fantasy.
My gaze finally broke away from my computer screen, and I snapped out of my cyber daydream, redirecting my attention toward my mother.
“30 more minutes?” I pleaded.
“No, it’s already 8:30 and you have school in the morning.” my mother said, hands on hips.
“Fine, let me say bye to my friend.” I said, sullenly.
“Your friend?” my mother inquired. “Who have you been in here talking to?”
“He’s 11, mom. He’s just a kid from California.” I rolled my eyes and turned back towards my computer. “2 more minutes and then I’ll get off.”
“Alright, don’t forget to brush your teeth.” my mom said as she walked into the living room to round up my siblings.
I raised my hand in the air and waved her off and then turned my attention back to Leo.
Tootsie8504: I need to go. I have school tomorrow.
Bizzerkk86: Will you be on tomorrow?
Tootsie8504: Yeah, I get home from school at 4p my time, want to meet then?”
Bizzerkk86: That’s 1p my time. I’ll still be in school but I can be on by 2:30p?
Tootsie8504: Okay, I will see you then!
Before I knew it, I was spending every evening on the computer chatting with Leo. Time would evaporate, slipping through the cracks of my awareness and on more than one occasion, my mom had to peel my attention away from the screen for mundane, everyday necessities such as dinner, homework and bedtime. Leo’s presence lingered in my thoughts like a catchy melody humming throughout my existence. When my mind wasn’t preoccupied with the thought of him, he made sure to visit me in my dreams.
A few weeks into our digital friendship, the discussion of swapping photographs raised to the surface; a topic that I personally wanted to skirt around until I was buried 6 feet under. Although I was terrified at the thought, I figured that this may bring a sort of peace of mind to my parents, knowing that their daughter was in fact talking to a boy her age and not some lunatic.
Putting a face to the name on the computer screen was both terrifying and exhilarating. The most challenging thought of it all was the fact that he would also put my face to my name. And, what if he was disappointed? I wasn’t sure I could handle that sort of rejection.
Immediately, I removed boxes of pictures from my parent’s closet. I sat them down on the floor of my bedroom and lifted the lid, ready to scream at the thought of delivering my physical insecurities; something that was hidden carefully behind the facade of my online personality.
I carefully thumbed through dozens of photographs trying to find one that didn’t portray me as the swamp monster that I saw in the mirror. After hours of careful thought and immense preparation, I plucked a photo of myself and examined it with dismay. I was in an orange sweater and blue jeans, leaning on an old tree in our yard. It was far enough away that you couldn’t see all of my imperfections. With much hesitation, I tucked it away and put the picture box back in my parents’ closet.
I walked downstairs to the parlor with the photograph clenched between my fingers. I felt like I could be sick with anxiety. My nerves were pulsing through my body and I almost decided against it. But, with shaking hands, I scanned my photo and pressed enter, sending my nightmare of acceptance through the digital portal and hoping that it landed softly in accepting arms.
Seconds felt like hours as I chewed on my index finger, awaiting Leo’s response. Was he trying to decide how to let me down easily? Was he carefully choosing the right words to dispose of me? Maybe he just ran away from the computer and I’ll be left here waiting for him to respond until the day that I die.
Bizzerkk86: You’re beautiful!
Those two words struck me like a surge of electricity. Holy shit. He was the first boy in my life that ever thought I was beautiful. I sat there stunned, my loyalty to him welded deeper than I could have ever imagined.
Minutes later, Leo’s picture started to download and as more and more of him appeared in front of me my heartbeat slowed to what felt like a stop.
“Holy. Shit.” I whispered.